Personal boundaries. How to determine whether they are violated?
The topic of covering personal boundaries and their violations is probably one of the most popular in the Internet space. Whether we like it or not, every day we interact with a large number of people: be it our relatives, friends, acquaintances, co-workers or just a person standing nearby. So, how this interaction will take place and how it will affect us and our condition – depends only on us.
What are personal boundaries and how to determine if they are violated?
Boundaries define a person, his capabilities, desires, search and relationships with other people. If a person’s physical border includes his body, then the psychological – the space and feelings that separate him from other people.
Defining physical boundaries is fairly easy. The very first, basic border for us is our skin. Important concepts that define your physical boundaries are physical space and personal space.
Ask yourself to see if others are violating your boundaries.
Who is allowed and who is not allowed to touch you and how?
What do you think is just your personal space that needs to be protected?
Do you have your own place where you can be alone?
Remember: the word “no” is the most important limit and it is a complete, detailed sentence.
Signs of healthy boundaries
Healthy borders NOT…
… Are set for us by someone else
… Cause us pain
… Are rigid and immobile
… Invade our personality
10 laws of healthy boundaries
1. All actions have consequences. If someone in your life has shown violence, cruelty, selfishness towards you, have you set boundaries? Or does it all happen again and again without consequences for them?
2. The law of responsibility. We are accountable to each other, but not to each other. This means not encouraging or provoking someone’s infantile behavior.
3. Power has limits. We have power over some things, but we have no right to change other people. In our power – just to change your own life.
4. The law of respect. If we want others to respect our borders, we must respect their boundaries too.
5. Freedom of choice. We must be free to say “no” or say “yes” with a pure heart. You can’t love a person just because he feels sorry for him and he leaves you no other choice.
6. It is necessary to assess what pain the establishment of our borders brings to others. Do our borders hurt, which will then lead to healing and growth? Or is it a pain that only hurts them?
7. The law of proactivity. We take active action to solve problems based on our values and desires. Proactive people defend their freedom and disagree, but do not raise an emotional storm.
8. The law of envy. We will never get what we want if we set our boundaries based on what others have. An envious person simply does not see his boundaries based on the choices he has.
9. The law of activity. You should not expect others to make the first move.
10. You need to communicate your boundaries. A border that no one knows about is not a border. We must make it very clear to others what we want and do not want, what we will tolerate and what we will not. We must also make it clear that every border violation has consequences.
3 exercises to determine personal boundaries
1. Get to know yourself.
Take a diary, notebook or book for notes and in a calm atmosphere remember what happened to you during the past week. When did you take time for yourself, take care of yourself, doing what you like? And vice versa: when did you blame yourself for laziness, unproductiveness, mistakes? Write down your observations, but don’t try to draw any conclusions right away. The purpose of the exercise is to reflect, not to condemn, to understand when you really do what you want, and when you are too strict, because any work on yourself begins with understanding and acceptance.
2. Your personal boundaries.
Exercise helps to determine in practice the specific comfortable framework of your physical personal boundaries. To do this, you will need an assistant, but it can not be your friend or family member, because in relations with loved ones, the boundaries are usually long overdue. Things are completely different with strangers.
Stand facing each other at a comfortable distance (usually 1-2 meters is enough). When performing the exercise, you need to stay in place, while your friend will slowly reduce the distance. One step towards you every 30 seconds: an interval is needed so that you have time to assess your feelings.
Try to record at what distance you began to feel slight discomfort. And when you strained a little harder? When did you want to run away, move away or push away a person? All these sensations are signals from your body, which is trying to warn against danger. Remember what distance is comfortable for you, and next time stop any attempts of people to invade your personal space.
3. Visualization of borders.
The exercise will help to identify boundaries, understand your attitude towards them and change it. To begin, close your eyes, imagine a boundless field and yourself, determine your place in this space, and then build imaginary boundaries around. What do they look like? What material are they made of, are there doors, windows? Do you feel calm – or, conversely, feel anxious, lonely? If the boundaries in your imagination are rather negative, try to imagine them differently – for example, in the form of a beautiful fence instead of barbed wire.
Now imagine your family, friends, colleagues and just acquaintances and place them around you. Maybe someone will be outside the borders, and someone – right next to you. How do you feel now? Is it convenient for you to communicate with people abroad? Write down or sketch what you feel.
Used sources:
1. https://www.psychologies.ru/articles/ustanovit-zdorovyie-granitsyi-10-shagov/
2. https://theoryandpractice.ru/posts/18083-kak-ustanavlivat-i-otstaivat-lichnye-granitsy
3.https: //ru.wikipedia.org/wiki/%D0%9F%D1%81%D0%B8%D1%85%D0%BE%D0%BB%D0%BE%D0%B3%D0%B8 % D1% 87% D0% B5% D1% 81% D0% BA% D0% B8% D0% B5_% D0% B3% D1% 80% D0% B0% D0% BD% D0% B8% D1% 86% D1 % 8B